"Come back" I said to it, but it paid me no heed. It wanted to ponder loneliness. "Well mind", said I. "There is nothing I can do to stop you, so I will ride your wave of whimsical notion until you are done with me". And it was so.
So, I started to think about what I want. Well, what DO I want? I started to think about what the basic things people want from relationships are. Well, this is what I got in no particular order, but with gobs of honestly that most may not admit to. Honesty, cuddliness, similar interests, somebody to talk to, somebody to blame occasionally, somebody to dream with, somebody to dance with, somebody to fly with, somebody to crash with. Somebody to hug, to hold, to kiss, to make love to. Somebody with similar wants, desires, needs, fantasies. Somebody who thinks and acts similar. Many people want somebody who dresses similar, though I don't care. I just rattle off as I go. Maybe I missed something, maybe I said something twice. People want somebody to cry with, and often times somebody to cry about. We want security.
What's the difference between a best friend and a girlfriend or boyfriend? Well, usually the only difference is the kissing and the sex. So then I started pondering the fact that I don't much care about kissing, or sex. I really don't. This made me first wonder where all my testosterone went, and secondly wonder if it was that I wanted a girlfriend, or if I just wanted a friend.
I think I know who I want. And, quite frankly, I won't get her. On the other hand, that doesn't bother me. If not her, somebody very similar will be mine. So that I am not concerned with. So now, though I know who I want, I'm still not certain exactly WHAT I want from them. Friendship? More? Is it simply that I place different value on certain physicalities? I never in my life feel so content as when holding somebody.
I suppose I'm confused. I do not correlate well with most humans. I try to understand, but to no avail. I can think of more than one person, but one in particular, whom I want to be good good friends with. Maybe not their bestest friend. But I want to be a person in their life who they'll make time to spend with me, as opposed to only slipping me in if by happenstance they have a free moment. I am somewhat saddened because I know that this will not happen. I do not connect with people. Somehow, we are incompatible.
Apparently I'm charming. I know, I know. It even surprised me to hear that. But I've been told. I'd have never thought it though. I often hear that I flirt with anything. I've never seen it. Time and again I've had girls tell me "you know, I had a crush on you for the longest time...". I'd like to know where I was during all of this. Why is it that I see people, but that's it. They're just there. And most the things they think, I do not. Most of the things they feel, I can't understand.
I think I'll go on with this at another point, not that anybody is reading this. But, I'll leave with a last little tidbit. I like to write. I'd like to think I can even write well on occasion. It is an ugly, ugly lie, but still. Humor me.
In my tattered mind
And in my shattered life
I walk through a fragment world
I look through estranged eyes
And all the things I see
Are lost on all but me